It's about 1 AM, and it's dark, quiet. Wesley is sound asleep on the couch- always the gentleman, plus I think he was worried about what I would do if he crawled into bed with me. (Which is odd, usually he likes it when I'm mad.) But then again, Wesley has been unusual. This whole... relationship... is a big ball of confusing. One day I get roses, next day, drugged. He won't tell me where he's taking me- which makes me incredibly nervous. And then... he burned my contract. That's the third time he's tried to save me. Second time he failed.

This can only end bad- I've learned that a couple times. It's been a year, and we're back at square one: cold words and icy glares, and I'm trying to run, but I'm standing here at the door. I'm trying to leave, trying to move, but Wes has this effect on me, this... hold. If not, I would have been gone long ago, before things even got serious, before I started to think that I'd broken all of Lilah's rules of life and relationships. I look at him, watch him while he sleeps, and see... I don't know what I see. I don't like it, don't like what he makes me. Soft. Almost... human. Which isn't something I've been since high school. It's not a good thing, no. Softness and me... I feel vulnerable. Naked. Not in a good way. And it's only around him. When I came back, I thought, Hey, I've survived Hell, I can survive seeing my lover. And then he looked at me, as I stood there in the Hyperion in white lace and a never-ending smirk, and I felt that old feeling he caused in me come back. He burned my contract, and I saw his eyes go dark as it reappeared. I'm going to drag him down with me, and for once, I care about it. Because I don't want to being him down with me.

I don't know why he's taken me. I'm certainitly being less than a saint towards him, less than civil. And all my snarky words keep on melting, along with my resolve.

I've got one hand on the doorknob, just can't seem to turn it. All I can do is stand. Watch. Realize that one of the things I've always been good at- suddenly losing that talent.

And strangely? Not really caring.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Save Ferris- "Let Me In"